In and out: The flawless tryst

By Dean Stone

Not everyone is looking for long-lasting meaningful relationships. Let’s face it, “married with children” isn’t something most of today’s generation even considers until close to, or well into, their thirties. That’s around 15 years of maturity before the average guy settles down.

There may be some cultures in the world where single males are able to keep their libido in check, but around here we need a good ol’ One Night Stand to make us feel better about ourselves every now and then. So we spend the weekends looking for the perfect encounter where we can pick up a babe and turn it into a memorable night of whatever she’s willing to do with us.

Now if you end up really liking the person you’ve met that’s great, but One Night Stand usually means that you don’t want to see the person again after the evening of fun has ended. I’ve made just about every wrong move there is when it comes to the ladies, so maybe I can share some things that will prevent this from happening to you. I’ll also share some tips on how you can get yourself out of some common tight spots that may occur throughout your evening or morning after.

Rule No. 1 is to make sure there are no links to you. If you hook up with your buddy’s girlfriend’s sister’s roommate, you’re screwed. She will be able to find you with ease and you will suddenly become a jerk among half of your circle of friends. Not to mention how word will get around to other girls about how insensitive you are; blah, blah, blah. Keep the One Night Stand within the realm of strangers, so that by the time you run into them again it won’t matter anymore. Just don’t be dumb enough to go back to the same spot where you met her within a couple of weeks of the hookup. So it’s probably a good idea to go to a different bar other than your usual hangouts to pick up, so your life isn’t disrupted too much while you’re in avoidance mode.

So if you’ve gotten lucky enough to talk your way out of the bar or wherever, and it’s time to get a room, make sure that it’s not your room you end up in. Once again, if she knows where you live there’s a link to you. Sometimes the heat of the moment causes us to think with the little guy, but you must keep this important factor in your mind. Tell her that it has to be her place because you have three roommates and they’re all pigs – whatever it takes – even if you have to pony up for a hotel room. Stay out of your own backyard. Most girls will feel more comfortable about being in a place they’re familiar with anyway, so it’s usually an easy sell to head to their place.

If its booty you have on the brain, you should be focused on that and that alone. Don’t overindulge in the booze or you’ll find yourself having to chew your arm off in the morning. Many of us have been in that situation where the girl you met, and went to sleep with, does not look like the girl that you just woke up next to. If you don’t get too loaded this won’t happen. Getting hammered is better saved for the football game and hanging with the boys. Being too drunk will only make the task at hand more difficult. Your drunkenness will chase away all the “hotties” or it will attract overly aggressive women who will certainly be looking to cuddle and chat about your next date together in the morning. Besides, it’s no fun if you can’t remember it.

Every woman I’ve ever had a One Night Stand with always plays the “I never do this sort of thing” routine. This is an important moment in the encounter because she is closely watching your reaction. It doesn’t matter whether her statement is true or not, what matters is how you react to the statement. Don’t snicker or laugh at this comment because she will feel that you don’t respect her, and the entire event will be in jeopardy. Even the most liberal chicks have an internal struggle with having a One Night Stand. Take this opportunity to make her feel better. Tell her you never do this either, but you’re so attracted to her that you just can’t help yourself.

As your time together transpires, try and remember not to give away too much information about yourself. One simple conversation about a hobby or interest of yours will give her a way to “bump into you” some day. Think about what you’re saying and try and keep the topic on how attractive you think she is. If the topic is on her, your story will not come up. If it does come up, keep the information to general terms. You work at a bank, not the Royal Bank on 28th St. Get it?

So you played your cards right and the night went off according to plan. You followed the rules and you woke up at her place. Now all you have to do is get out of there with out major incident. There are many theories on how to quietly get out of a bed, but I’ve found the roll-and-crawl method to be the best there is. If she happens to wake up to see you crawling towards the door, just say that you’re looking for your pants or a contact lens. If you’re successful at getting clear of the bedroom unnoticed, you have to act fast.

If you’re lucky no will be up and you can leave unseen. If you do run into a roommate of hers, make sure you don’t use your real name. If no one is up yet, the best place to find the address of where you are is on the refrigerator. Most people post a bill of some kind on the fridge and you can get the address to tell the taxi or one of your buddies that might be willing to come and get you. Don’t get caught rooting through things looking for the address; it’s easier to just walk to the nearest street corner and read the sign.

In the event that she gets up before you, there’s nothing you can do other than facing her and trying to create a conversation that will allow the two of you to part with the smallest amount of awkwardness as possible. It’s a good idea to ask her what time it is and then pretend to be very late for another commitment.

Remember to ask for her number before she can ask you for yours. Giving a false number is too spineless even for me, but asking for hers eliminates this issue altogether. She gets some gratification and is able to tell her girlfriends that you asked for her number, and you walk out with no link to you in existence.

One important thing to consider is discussing all of this information with your buddies. You can run the cleanest One Night Stand possible, but if your buddy picks up your chick’s best friend, your future lies in his hands. He will end up giving out some sort of info to the friend, and the next thing you know you’re on a double-date watching some agonizing chick flick on a Saturday night. Pass this article to your buddies and create a pact within your group that double-hookups require no-link practices.

Having a One Night Stand is difficult to pull off at the best of times. Having a flawless one is rare and can only be achieved through careful preparation. Remember that it’s all about giving no information on how you can be found in the future, so that you can decide whether your new friend is someone you’d like to see again. Remember to treat her like a lady. She wants the same thing as you, but for some reason society makes it tougher on her to action that impulse.

As irresponsible as this article may be, I must say a word on safe sex. One night stands are only cool when there are two willing participants who are practicing safe sex. Wrap it up boys; life’s too short for that kind of stupidity. Make sure you hit the drug store before you hit the clubs.

Don’t count on the ladies to have condoms. They never do this sort of thing, remember.